A leaf in the wind

Here I am, hoping that writing here will rescue me from the state my mind is in right now. I can use a few words to describe that I guess - frustrated, annoyed and broken, mainly disappointed. 

It sounds so familiar! Like some things have not changed at all. It's like the story of my life. 

In spite of all the success, all the good things I've had in life; in spite of all the efforts I have made and I feel I've grown so much - how is it that I still have these moments, so often, and so strong, that drown me to such depths that I start to lose sight of all beautiful things in my life. All good moments from the past serve no value in the present and they lay unnoticed in a corner of my mind just like those trophies of past achievements that are no more than a reminder of the fact that life could be beautiful! But why can't I feel any beauty right now! and why has it failed from being 'the way of my life'!

Question I would ask myself at this point - have I done enough? And knowing how true I have been to myself, ALWAYS, I can say this with all the truth in my heart. YES! 

Yes, I have continuously worked hard to be better and grow beyond myself at every point of conflict. I have always believed, and still do, in being accountable for my life. But life just keeps pushing the bar higher and higher every time. It's just getting so hard to keep up with it now. Feels like the life forces are set on to test me? I can't and don't have the energy to keep going like this forever.

I had a vision for my life, now it feels more like just a dream. A dream that I try to remember from time to time. As I try to row on keeping my strengths together and head high, I face these realities so often that make me question - is this the normal way of life?

Life! 

If only every wish came true, I wish - 

• My wife and I could be like that leaf being blowing in the wind. Once released from the tree, home, lives its entire life with the wind and faces everything that comes in the way, together. That wind, like some invisible force, that adds strength to the leaf when it wishes to take a flight. That leaf which gives form and life to the wind that otherwise no one would even notice.

• Kids - a couple of beautiful kids - that could look up to us as worlds best parents who are so well co-ordinated and madly in love with each other. ('Madly' as the time when we fought against all odds a decade ago, so determined that we'll stay together and win in the end). Kids who would learn the only way of life right from their first breath - that is, of love and respect, of self-determination, of speaking their heart out but with humility and empathy. Kids who would not be afraid of hardships even when they have us for support at every step. Kids who would be the shining light and reflect such an intellect - like none other in the universe. How beautiful it is, a dream or wish, only if this could come true.

• I have more wishes that I could write here - but I think writing these two have filled my heart with so much hope that I feel I can breathe now. 

Well, but reality feels different! A bull I am, with a fool's hat that I wear. Even if my dreams are far from real, some part of me really keeps hoping these will come true. It makes me keep working harder and harder, to be better and better. 

In the end, while I can't say with any certainty that it'll be a happy one, but I would want to have done everything I could to serve my purpose in this life - even if life couldn't give back in return as much. (Doesn't sound reasonable for me to blame life right now, maybe I have really missed the right turn in life. But that doesn't seem to weigh much right now.) 

It feels like I'm being righteous and maybe expecting a lot from life. Maybe. But can one truly tell?